It is late at night and as most nights, I am having trouble sleeping. My life and all of my memories have been severely clouded with pain, depression and shame. I was born with severe epispadias and have endured six surgeries which began the week of my birth and continued until I was thirteen. As a result, my penis is very different for the norm, in no ways considered good socially except for being wide at the base. All through school I kept myself well hidden until one day during the end of gym class, my secret was exposed. This day is only one in a series of humiliating ordeals that I have survived. Needless to say that when a fellow boy saw my deformity, I was a prime target for numerous months to come until luckily I moved away.

In my case, now that I am an adult, I have had the beautiful experience of being a father to a normal boy. I would never wish this curse on anyone no matter how evil they may be. So, when my son was born and was healthy, I thanked God. I am heterosexual and have had only a handful of sexual partners, one being my wife at the time. I was married for nearly ten years until my wife met a normal man and I lost her but not my son. I am a single father and everyday I must face myself and the pain that is deep within.

I have read many of these stories and find some ease within all of the them. Yet, even with counseling which I had in the past, I cannot help but feel inferior to most men because of the focus of society on sex. I have never been an outgoing person due to my body. There are times in which I feel secure and good about my body but then it will be lost as I confront the world.

The women that I have been with have said that it did not matter but of course it did. They would never admit to it so as not to hurt me. Recently, I have not had any sexual partners and have become very unsure that I will ever have any again. Every day, I do my very best to not think about my body and carry on with each day. et, I know that deep within my soul burns a pain that will never go away and it is my role as a father that give me my will and zest for life.

I do not think that most men with this would freely admit to their pain but I do and I confront it daily. I wish that I could be a bright light of hope for someone but I am merely a man with epispadias who is living for each day. I fill my life with thoughts of helping people and any thing else other than sex. But I am human and a man so it does become extremely difficult to have desires but not act on them for fear of ridicule. It is a very cruel cycle that I experience in that I desire but also fear that which I desire. Unfortunately, I did not see an end to this and continue to struggle with it. Sometimes, I feel that I will never again experience love and sex with a woman because I am not up to social sexual standards.

Society is a very unkind factor in our lives. I feel that the only way I have survived is by keeping my secret and acting as if I were normal on the outside. I do not know if my writing here will help but after reading the other posts, I felt the need to include my thoughts. Although my writing is possibly depressing, I do find so much enjoyment and peace in life. I have so many things to be thankful for and I hope that others with this or other deformities can find the greatness in their lives regardless of the daily struggle with their body and the views of others.

Sam